Household Tips for the Modern Secret Society Member

Household Tips for the Modern Secret Society Member (Published in Illuminati Press, September 1996 ed., issue no. 1453)

For dull, lusterless wood tables:
1. Remove your robe and stand naked on top of your table.
2. Douse yourself in snake oil and roll around on top of the table. Be sure to cover the entire surface evenly, as any unevenness will result in a patchy end product.
3. Replace robe.
4. If the first coat is drying unevenly, use old or tattered robes to polish the surface of the table while it is still wet.

For Spotty Linoleum Floors:
1. Draw a standard masonic compass in the exact middle of your floor.
2. Sacrifice a small rodent over the center of your compass and smear the blood in each of the four corners of the table. For difficult stains, use a goat or other large mammal. Be sure to save the entrails for future haruspices.
3. Scrub the compass and blood from the table.

For Rusty Appliances:

1. Stand in front of affected appliance.
2. Sing the lyrics to any Lady Gaga song backwards while popping your booty like Rihanna. For water marks, use “Disco Heaven.” For gummy faucets, use “Alejandro.”